The State of Kate
April 10th, 2006
I’m a mess, seriously.
I’m completely in Love with Kate. I think I finally realized that. For some reason I havn’t been able to admit that before. Yesterday I finally figured it out. At least that much. Even though I know I love her, I can’t bring myself to tell her that. Part of it is because I’ve hurt her so many times, and chances are, I’ll do it again. Why? Because I can’t commit at this point in my life.
It’s not because I want to “play the field” or anything. Im just not ready to give up my independance just yet. That’s not to say that I think I have to be a totally different person to be with Kate. In fact, I can be very much myself with her. I know though, that if I admit to her that I love her, that I will want to be everything she wants me to be. Right now, I just can’t do that.
I guess Im not done being selfish, to some extent doing what I want, when I want. It’s tragic though, because I don’t think Ill get another chance. Kate goes to Europe next year, and after that, I doubt I’ll see her again. Even if I did see her again, I doubt she would take me back, I mean after everything I’ve put her through. Also, she is sure to find someone in Europe who will see her for the amazing person that she is. Who knows, she may end up living there indefinitely, get married, become a citizen.
I can’t exaclty feel sorry for myself though, I caused this. It was my choice to break it off. But to me that makes it all the more difficult. I can’t take comfort in the fact that there was nothing I could do, or that it’s out of my hands. The fact is, it’s in my hands. But the right choice is seemingly the wrong choice, and each ends up in hearbreak. If I ask her back, and she were to accept, I would most likely hurt her again. But If I do nothing and let her go, I’m left heartbroken, just like her, and may never get another chance.
So what does this lovestruck commitaphobe do? Nothing. Everything. For Kate. As the cliche’ goes, If you love something, let it go. And I will let Kate go. If it is meant to be, one day I will be ready to truely be with Kate, and if she will be willing to take me back.
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